Joke thread again last post wins

[ptannjr]

Originally Posted by 10 Bears

New Rules for Flying
Replace all female flight attendants with some
good-looking' strippers! What the hell? The attendants
have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual
businessman in this country would start flying again,
hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the
airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I
still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

wouldnt that be Hooters Air?

[Karl/PA]

An old man sat talking to another in a cafe in old Bahgdad, "I began my life in poverty and built a vast fortune, but am I remembered for that? No!

"I started in ignorance and taught myself to read and write, not only Arabic, but Sanskrit, Persian, Greek, Latin and the language of the Franks, but am I remembered as a scholar? No"

"I became a soldier and conquered for the Sultanate, but am I remembered as a soldier? No!

"I made seven trips to Mecca, am I remembered as a Haji? No!

"I built Hospitals, Mosques bridges and Roads, but am I remembered as a builder? No!

"But make one youthful indescretion and it is remembered forever" wailed Abdul the Goat-f*cker.

[10 Bears]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis."

[FalconUruguay]

Originally Posted by ptannjr

wouldnt that be Hooters Air?

There Was No Mention Of Overpriced,Underflavored Wings In That Letter There Bub...

[flopshot]

a farmer decided he needed to replace his aging rooster. he brought home the new buck and let him loose
in the yard. the old rooster went up to introduce himself and was told by the youngster that he was no longer
needed and should just pack up and leave. this didn't sit well with the old veteren so he thought he would try to
strike a deal with the newcomer. " how about you just let me have a couple of the older hens and you get
the rest ?" " nope" was the response. " i'm younger, stronger, and can run this place better than you old man."
"old ?" replied the rooster, " i'll bet i can beat you in a race around the barn." well, the new roosted could
not let that go without proving the old guy wrong so he agreed to the race. " ok " said the older bird, " we
meet here at 17:00 and settle this." so at the appropriate time the two birds met in the back of the barn.
" i'm alot older than you, so how about a bit of a head start ?". feeling sporting the young bird said " sure,
i'll still have no problem beating you around the barn cause you're too old to make it all the way."
the old bird took off crowing all the way. the younger rooster took off after him and as they rounded
the corner facing the house the farmer was on the porch and raised his shotgun. bang ! " that's the third
damn queer ." said the farmer. the old rooster smiled and went back to the henhouse.

[Karl/PA]

Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer..................

The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills

[flopshot]

oh damn !!!

[partssmans wife]

Karl

[partssmans wife]

Feel like a woman

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

[Karl/PA]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[10 Bears]

Morris, an 90 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur...Be careful!'"

[aviator]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

[10 Bears]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

[glock4me]

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

[partssmans wife]

Originally Posted by glock4me

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

your getting better.