The Jaw-Dropping Dan Wesson DWX Pistol

[JD Miller]

Fifty things to say to black people

Appearance

1. You’re really pretty for a black girl.

2. Are you lips real?

3. You’re like black black!

4. Can I touch your hair? (OR they lunge in without asking).

5. You’re so lucky to have a natural tan.

6. I didn’t realise black people could grow real eyebrows.

7. You’re not black, you must be mixed with something, because you’re so light-skinned.

8. Any “coloured” descriptor (I’m not a box of crayons).
Education

9. You speak so articulately.

10. You’re actually really smart.

11. Who taught you how to speak English?

12. You know so many words?

13. Wow, you got into Oxford, were you a diversity candidate?

14. Don’t research race; you’ll end your career before it’s even started.

15. Are you first in your family to be educated?

16. You don’t sound black AT ALL.

17. Teach me some slang.
Work

18. We can’t attract or keep black employees, it’s like they don’t wanna work.

19. I’m SO sorry, I didn’t think you worked here (after calling security).

20. You should meet X, you’ll REALLY get on (both being black).

21. I love your hair straight; it looks so much more professional.

22. How do you make your money? (I work like everyone else).

23. We’ll address it, but just be careful not to play the ‘Race Card’ (after reporting a racial incident).

24. I like you! You’re surprisingly professional.

25. You could definitely pass as one of ‘us’.

26. You must be struggling through COVID (responding to inequality statistics).
Identity

27. Do you have a Mum AND a Dad?

28. Are you from Africa or Jamaica?

29. You’re a good mix (like a cockerpoo or labradoodle).

30. Do you snack on dry bones?

31. Where are you really from?

32. Can black people really be Muslim?

33. Do you eat with your hands at home?

34. Can we just use your initials?

35. That smells funny… What are you eating?

36. I was so shocked to see black Jews on TV.

37. (Siobhan, Saoirse and Leigh get to keep their names but…) Your name is too hard to pronounce, so I’m going to call you X (typically a Westernised adaptation).
Bizarre

38. Do you have any weed?

39. Why can’t black people swim?

40. Have you been to jail, even for a little while?

41. What colour is your blood?

42. How can I be racist, my X is black?

43. Yo my G/N*****! (or other attempts at Ebonics).

44. I’m sorry for my ancestors (when you just wanted a coffee).

45. Do have cars where you’re from?

46. What’s happening in Africa? (I’m not a newscaster)

47. I’ve always wondered what it would be like in black skin.

48. I think black people are really cool. (All black people, everywhere?).

49. I don’t see colour.

50. Why do “black Lives Matter” – don’t all lives matter? (Are all lives undervalued?)