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Old 07-25-2006, 08:27 PM   #91
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...
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Old 07-25-2006, 08:29 PM   #92
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, What are you doing?

She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
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Old 07-25-2006, 08:35 PM   #93
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Default Ask The Doctor

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
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Old 07-25-2006, 08:39 PM   #94
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink like a fish, eat all you want, and party you’re a… off -- you've only got a few years left, so why not?

Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and THEN you finish off as an orgasm!
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Old 07-25-2006, 08:54 PM   #95
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karl/PA
THEN you finish off as an orgasm!

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Old 07-25-2006, 10:00 PM   #96
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Default Modern Super Markets

Look at all the new stuff in stores. The supermarket near my house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, your hear hens cackle. So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:34 PM   #97
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

You guys did not say they had to be good jokes.
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:36 PM   #98
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Just that the "Last" one wins!
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:39 PM   #99
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Default You Want Bad..................

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a brandy...........................................
.................................................. .......... ..
.................................................. .......... ..
.................................................. .......... ..
.................................................. .......... ..
.................................................. .......... ..
..........and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."
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Old 07-26-2006, 09:05 PM   #100
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A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did"

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!

How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$112,237.64." The boss says, "$112,237.64! What did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?" Kid says "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Old 07-26-2006, 09:43 PM   #101
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0 to 200 in 4 seconds

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
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Old 07-26-2006, 09:47 PM   #102
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Looks like Partssman's wife wins.

I was going to shut this thread off at 100 posts, but wasn't online or failed to notice when the 100th post was made.

The thread was just getting too long.
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