Quote:
Originally Posted by DirtySteve
At least temporarily, I want to make things work, but she's convinced it can't. We have a 9 month old son. There's never been any type of abuse at all, simply abrasiveness due to my pay cut starting back in July.
We just agreed to informal custody, but I'm still hopeful that counseling might help. I have retooled how I interact with her and household chores, but she's so upset that it took me so long.
What should I do in the meantime?
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With the clarity of hindsight: If I had my own life to live over again and were in your situation I would:
1. Get a lawyer, NOW, before she does. She made a mistake by being the first one to abandon the primary residence. I suggest you capitalize on it!
2. Forget about blaming yourself. Being submissive isn't going to help.
3. Forget about hoping for her to return because, statistically, (Realistically!) she probably won't; and even if she did it's unlikely to last for long.
4. At this stage of the marital breakdown it's highly probable that, somewhere, there's another man; or, if not, then the prospect of one is on, ‘
the horizon’.
5. Toughen up! The best posture for you to assume is that of being an adversary. You can, ‘
sugar-coat’ it if you like; but she certainly will.
6. You can remain civil and polite; but a cautious adversary is the only thing that you should be. (She might remain friendly; or, at least, for awhile you can expect her to, ‘
fight like a woman’ until she gets all of her, ‘ducks in order’ and understands exactly what her option are.)
7. Your willingness to reconcile (Your, '
hope against all hope'!) is an intellectual weakness; and, sooner or later, she WILL use this forlorn hope against you.
8. Forget about, ‘
retooling’. Nobody’s perfect; and I AM CERTAIN that she could use some, ‘
retooling’ of her own. By allowing yourself to think like this you have (albeit unwittingly) given her the psychological advantage.
9. In every divorce children are always, ‘
casualties of war’. Life goes on. Circumstances and personalities vary. Some kids are able to rise above a marital breakup; and others will become entangled in it. Whatever happens unless your wife really screws up, ‘
big time’, she will always have the emotional, ‘
inside track’ with the child; and especially if that child is a boy.
10. When the wife moves out she is putting you on notice that her marriage to you is no longer the highest priority in her thinking and emotional life. This dissatisfied attitude is especially true if you haven’t really given your present wife any, ‘
real reason’ to leave the marital home. (Genuine reasons for a marital breakup usually include one or more of the following
authentic motivations: drugs, alcohol, physical disease, mutual guilt, (It doesn’t matter what for.) emotional indifference, physical brutality, and/or involves at least one other member of an opposite sex.)
You asked for my opinion; and I’ve given it to you. Now, I think it’s time for you to become more, ‘
self-orientated’, and place your own perceived best interests first. The child will either come around, or he
* won’t. Either way it’s not going to be your fault.
NOTES:
1. Will the two of you occasionally, ‘
sleep’ together again? Probably. Why? Because during a marital breakup - and instead of being legitimately enjoyable - sex may very easily become a, ‘
weapon of psychological manipulation and abuse’.
2. Yes, I know it's an old thread; but the need for this sort of information remains timeless!
* Formal English pronoun in, ‘
universal gender’. (‘
Old school’, I know; but I am, ‘
old school’.)
